One Year Today

It doesn’t seem real that it’s been a year since my mom has passed. Sometimes I come across a picture of her and I’m almost shocked to remember that she isn’t here (at least in a form I can see). She is still so much a part of my daily life

Over Easter I went to spend some time with her where we had her service in NC. I swear I could feel her impatience because she wanted to visit with everyone and not listen to me be sad and feel sorry for myself. I find I have yet to let go of the regrets she tried to release me from. I still wish I’d spent more time with her. I wish I’d gotten over my issues with her and just focused on enjoying her instead of fighting her. I just wish I’d been a better daughter. It’s been hard to have a babysitter and let go of the dream of mom babysitting for me and taking walks around the lake. Just yesterday we took a walk and Coop kept going off in different directions and having a little adventure. It was one of my mom’s favorite things to do with Coop just follow and see where he went. Whenever I feel down or too sorry for myself it never fails that one of her beloved friends will call me or e-mail me to check in on me.

There’s a poem she wanted read at her funeral that helped me through the worst of this year and I read it often. I try very hard to remember this and to honor her by keeping her a part of our daily life. Sometimes I see the boys both looking up at the same time and both smiling and laughing. Every once in a while Cooper will just randomly say, “GiGi”. Right before we went to Snowshoe to spread some of her ashes with Wolfie, our family dog, Coop started laughing and saying “Wolfie!!” Jim and I just looked at each other and smiled. (I miss that dog!)

Anyway sorry for the indulgent post - I just miss my mommy.

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Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used.

Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral