One Year Today

It doesn’t seem real that it’s been a year since my mom has passed. Sometimes I come across a picture of her and I’m almost shocked to remember that she isn’t here (at least in a form I can see). She is still so much a part of my daily life

Over Easter I went to spend some time with her where we had her service in NC. I swear I could feel her impatience because she wanted to visit with everyone and not listen to me be sad and feel sorry for myself. I find I have yet to let go of the regrets she tried to release me from. I still wish I’d spent more time with her. I wish I’d gotten over my issues with her and just focused on enjoying her instead of fighting her. I just wish I’d been a better daughter. It’s been hard to have a babysitter and let go of the dream of mom babysitting for me and taking walks around the lake. Just yesterday we took a walk and Coop kept going off in different directions and having a little adventure. It was one of my mom’s favorite things to do with Coop just follow and see where he went. Whenever I feel down or too sorry for myself it never fails that one of her beloved friends will call me or e-mail me to check in on me.

There’s a poem she wanted read at her funeral that helped me through the worst of this year and I read it often. I try very hard to remember this and to honor her by keeping her a part of our daily life. Sometimes I see the boys both looking up at the same time and both smiling and laughing. Every once in a while Cooper will just randomly say, “GiGi”. Right before we went to Snowshoe to spread some of her ashes with Wolfie, our family dog, Coop started laughing and saying “Wolfie!!” Jim and I just looked at each other and smiled. (I miss that dog!)

Anyway sorry for the indulgent post - I just miss my mommy.

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Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used.

Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral

Snowshoe Trip with GiGi

In January the boys and I packed up and headed to Snowshoe for the week. Chris was going skiing in Colorado and we thought we were going to help out GiGi. I got sick with 2 migraines complete with throwing up and do you know the whole week Mom just took care of me and the boys. She demanded I go get a massage and she would take care of the boys. I will never forget coming back with Cooper having made his first escape attempt from the crib and Bear screaming himself to sleep in GiGi's arms. I walked in and she was sitting in the chair just holding Bear who had fallen asleep while holding a toy and she looked exhausted but then she sparkled. She had had a ball and we laughed and laughed over the whole episode for weeks. Then we took the boys out sledding. She had a blast taking Cooper down the hill and capsizing him! We watched our new favorite show King of Queens and movies and just holed up avoiding the snow. The only other time we ventured out was to go to the top of the mountain for bananas for Cooper. I got too scared to drive on the roads and in the middle of the road we switched and she wheeled us all the way up the mountain and back. I just remember thinking, "That's my Ma!" When we had to pack up we both cried, it had been a week of just enjoyment and pleasure. We hadn't gotten into "our stuff" as she calls it and it was just so nice. A week I will never forget.

This Old House

It seems like it can't be real that this was our last Thanksgiving in Grandma's house. I realized as we were pulling away Thanksgiving would just never be the same for me. I regret that we didn't get one last group picture but I love that Chris took a video of "This Old House" where we all shared our favorite memories of the house.

GiGi's Visit

GiGi and Poppi came down for my birthday and gave me a present like no other! They babysat while Jim and I went out to a restaurant for the first time in oh 5 1/2 months! Not only that when we returned they let us take a nap. Now that is a birthday present!

More Pics of GiGi's First Visit

Every time GiGi would play with Sully-Bear he would start squeeling and laughing and then every single time he would get so excited he would get the hiccups!
With GiGi taking up residence in our living room last week I would get up and get breakfast going and the boys would take turns crawling into the fouton bed with GiGi. The first morning Cooper came walking out of his room and just lit up because GiGi was still there. He just ran to her and all she did was lift up the blanket and he just pushed it aside and jumped in there with her. It really was heartwarming!!
This is Cooper and GiGi doing a little bit of yoga! I need to get a picture of him doing downward dog. This kid for some reason will just stop spread his leg and put his head to the floor. Do they make yoga tapes for kids :-)

GiGi's First Visit To Raleigh

A Guest Post From Grandma Goat About Her Recent Visit With Us In Raleigh

Baby Time

Having visited Abbie, Jim and the boys for a few days this week in NC, I realize that I’ve lost all sense of time. I’m now ready for bed when Cooper goes to sleep and wake up when he makes his first peep in the morning (sometimes more loudly than others.) I enjoy napping when both Sully and Cooper are down for their afternoon naps.

It feels like I’ve been in a time warp as I’ve lost touch with my own schedule and quickly blended into “baby time”.

Yesterday, on my walk with Cooper this different sense of time was contrasted to what we may want to call “normal time.” Cooper was delighted to sit and watch a mother duck sitting on her nest of eggs. He squealed with pleasure as he caught his first glimpse of the lake below where we were perched on the hillside. He noticed every coo of the dove above us and laughed and laughed each time a butterfly closely flew by. At one point we played with bubbles of which he never tired of trying to catch and pop each one.

As our walk continued, Coop asked if he could get out of the stroller and walk. As we walked on the sidewalk by a line of parked cars, we practiced the colors. He stopped at each car and pointed as I called out the color. He stopped and pondered a white truck for a longer time and was totally oblivious to everything else. I was about 4 feet ahead of him pushing the stroller, when a young woman came up behind Cooper in her swim attire. She asked Cooper, rather sternly, to keep moving so she could get by. I also asked Cooper to move forward, however, he was deeply contemplating this white truck like a deer in the headlights and didn’t appear to hear either of us. The young woman then sucked through her teeth and told Cooper to move on or at least give her room to move by. As I was walking back to help with this intensifying situation, she squeezed herself around Cooper breaking his dazed stare at the truck. He was so stunned that he fell over landing on his hands. Now I had seen that she hadn’t touched him but my “GiGi radar was out” and I joined Cooper in the drama that had been created. The young woman was aghast as Cooper was flailing and screaming like she had killed him. She kept assuring us that she hadn’t touched him. I then picked him up and said, “Don’t worry Cooper, she’s obviously in a much bigger hurry than we are. She’s not on baby time.”

Today it’s time to head back home to Virginia and I know that I have to switch gears to a faster pace. I find myself reflecting over the past few days. I leave my grandsons and their Mommy in “baby time” with a keen sense that Cooper and Sully are teaching us to be in the present moment. I recall how Cooper explores every little thing in his environment as though it were the first time over and over again. I watch Sully calling out for us to give him attention even though it may not fit into our scheduled birthday party for their Dad. I’m even going to miss watching “Doodlebops,” with blue, pink, and yellow characters on TV with Cooper each morning. I think we could all use more “baby time” in our hectic lives and plan to try to be more mindful in my own life – thanks to my teachers, Cooper and Sully!

Thanks Mom

I remember my mother saying to me, “You’ll appreciate me for this one day. Just remember this when you have the choice to send me to a retirement home or take me in.” I of course always told her I would be sending her to a retirement home! Oh how now I wish I could eat most of my words I said as an annoying teenager. The last few days have been rough for me. We are packing the house and getting it ready to go on the market. That is stressful enough but add an infant and a toddler and we’ve been burning the candle at both ends. This morning I woke up and I actually felt drunk and dizzy because I was so tired. It took us over an hour just to cook Cooper’s food for the day and we barely had a moment to get the diaper bags ready or any food for us for our trip to Annapolis, MD. (Cooper is seeing an allergy specialist there.) We were running late speeding down the road when I realized that I had forgotten to put on a bra!! Yes my dear friends and family for the first time I can remember since I started wearing a bra I went without in public! Jim offered to turn around but I didn’t want to be late. As we are driving, mercifully Sullivan goes to sleep without the screaming fit he usually does in the car. What kid do you know that hates the car? (Every other car trip up until today has been a crying fit where Sullivan would cry hard and be so scared he would be bright red and have tears! An hour trip to the store turns into 3 because I have to keep stopping to soothe him.) I am trying to keep Cooper entertained with this purple caterpillar called Alphabet Pal. He’s screaming at me so I decide to use the mode where is makes the sounds of the letters of the alphabet to make dirty words. If I can hit all the legs in the right way it’s quite funny. This bores Cooper and he falls asleep and I breathe a sigh of relief I can finally take a nap myself. I close my eyes and start to relax. Just as I can feel sleep starting to take over I realize I have to pee. I have to pee so bad that I can’t sleep through it and I can’t ask Jim to stop because we are running late. So I sit up and will cars to get out of our way.

The doctor appointment was odd. Last week we loved the whole entire experience. This time the room was boiling hot, Cooper refused to sit down and take the treatment, we were asked to keep it down for the other sleeping patients. Cooper’s answer was to scream louder whereas before at least it was just loud laughter. We leave all sweaty, irritable, hungry and wouldn’t you know we get stuck in traffic. I feed Cooper and then finally make something for Jim and I. Unfortunately I spill most of it all over myself and the car. Who knows when I’ll have the chance to clean that up! At this point I’m starting to feel pretty sorry for myself. This past week I’ve been peed and pooped on more than I can count. I think it was just yesterday that Sullivan peed on me not once but twice and so badly that he soaked the couch, my pant leg, and yes my underwear. Jim came running as he heard me screaming, “nooooooooooo” and trying to deflect the pee with the wrong side of the diaper. I cried, I swear I couldn’t help it. Here I am again half dressed and covered in pee. I am so tired of being peed and pooped on. Cooper has thrown out all of our Tupperware lids so we have lots of dishes but no lids. Very annoying when you are in a hurry and all you need is one damn lid. If you can’t find something in our house it means Cooper has found it and either put it in a box or it’s in the trash can. I had that dreaded thought. I even said it out loud, “I hope these boys appreciate what we’ve gone through for them.” I say that and I know all the parents with older kids are probably shaking their heads knowing that I haven’t experienced anything yet. More than anything I find myself wanting to call my mom and apologize for not being more appreciative of all she went through to raise me. Thanks Mom I do appreciate all you’ve done for me!

Play Dates

One of the things I regretted about my maternity leave with Cooper was that I didn't get out of the house enough. Granted it was winter time but I failed to realized those first few months were the months that he would sleep through anything! So this maternity leave with Sully I was determined to get out more and give Cooper lots of play date time since he was done with daycare. We got to spend lots of time with Katie and Emily and Cooper got to have a jam session with Stacy and her son Zach.

Adjusting To The New Baby

GiGi, Sullivan, Cooper and Popi. Cooper was able to tolerate Sullivan as long as his GiGi was there. Luckily GiGi stayed with us for a few days to help with the adjustment. When Coop first met Sully he smiled and then all of a sudden it was like an awareness came over him that life was no longer going to be the same and he started to cry! For about a week he refused to deal with me. He used to feed me and now he would take the food out of my mouth! Poor guy.

Abbie